Over the weekend it was released that a sailor aboard the USS Nebraska had died. Rumors in these cases usually fly from the start because that’s just human nature.

The Nebraska is homeported in Washington, where we used to live. We have a handful of friends who have been on the boat over the past few years, one of DH’s oldest military friends was on it when the class they were in all got out of school. They were who we hung out with during the last part of school though once we lived in the same area we didn’t keep in as close of contact. The sailor’s name has not been released yet though the cause of death has.

It is accidents like this - and it was an accident - that scare submariner wives. I can’t imagine getting a call and the other person saying “Something happened, it wasn’t your husband and I can’t tell you anymore.” I don’t know what the ombudsman said to people (an ombudsman is the connection between the wives and the boat) but those all had to have been hard calls to make.

My thoughts and prayers are with the crew of the Nebraska and the friends and family. The submarine community often feels very small as you run into someone you know just about anywhere, and certainly on the bases each of us end up transferred to. Chris’ job changed completely and we ran into someone friends of ours know! It is a small community, one that pulls together to support each other during the times the support is needed.

It’s been a year since George passed away. I held hope for the last few weeks of his life, hope that the doctors were wrong and he would be okay. Hope that every Mother has inside of her when something is wrong with their child. But he knew he wasn’t joining our family. I know that because every time I felt overwhelmed and felt really sad and really stressed and worried and anything that was too much for me, he moved around. He kicked and wiggled. His way of saying hey I’m still here, right now I’m here.

My Mom came to be with us for a week and she got to the house really late, I think midnight. She slept with me and while we talked about what could happen, what might happen, he was kicking the whole time. It was so much to handle. Going to the hospital the next day with her and having them tell me he was gone took a weight off of me. The sadness was overbearing and weighing me down, the anxiousness of what the doctors were going to tell me. I’ve always been an anxious person - I threw up the first day of middle school because I was so nervous. I always got a stomach ache when I was nervous, anxious or overwhelmed, I still do. I felt sick before we went into the doctors office - and walking out I felt okay.

Okay in the sense that I knew what happened. My son was gone but I know he didn’t suffer. And he made sure that while I, and Chris, would be overwhelmingly sad - we would be okay. He waited until my Mom showed up to leave us knowing we would need someone with us so that we could be okay.

And so it’s been a year. A year of moving three times, living with family members, spending a huge amount of time with my brothers, my nephews, my nieces, my Dad, my Grandma. A year of missing Chris because we had to be apart in order for him to get farther in his career. A year in which my Grandma passed away too.

I think about George daily. I think about how excited Alice and Jake were after telling them we were having another baby, about how old he would be now. I think about how many people knew he was coming and how they too are sad.

We buried George next to my Grandpa and Great Grandpa. We had a very small family service last December, attended by my parents, one of my brothers and his kids, my best friend, an Aunt and Uncle, my niece, and a few family friends. We had traditional prayers said and sang for him by long time family friends and we buried him.

We haven’t got him a headstone yet. My Mom thought of making him one, kind of how you make a garden stone, and including rocks that family members carry with them for a time. She grabbed a few rocks from my Grandma’s gravesite for us. Chris doesn’t like the idea though, because concrete doesn’t last forever and he wants something that will. Late next summer my family will get a headstone for my Grandma, so I figure by then we can figure out what we are going to do. A headstone feels so definite though. At my Grandma’s funeral one of my Mom’s oldest friends said she hadn’t got her husbands headstone yet because that is the last thing she has to do, and then that’s it, and she isn’t ready.

I think I am. But by saying I think, maybe I’m not. George changed my life, my thinking, my love for the people around me. I wanted to be closed in, to ignore everyone and just be by myself. I didn’t want to be happy, but I didn’t want to be sad all the time. I just wanted to be. I tried changing Chris’ career - the few people who I talked to said they understood, but I’m not sure you can unless you have such a sad event in your life. I wanted to close in and be alone - and luckily for me, no one really let me.

Especially with my Grandma gone now, now I want to open my arms and have my family magically close and have everyone call each other regularly and keep up with the gossip and share the news. That magic doesn’t just happen - and I have days when I try to force it and days where I just leave it alone. And days when I am really sad, and then I talk to my Mom, or Chris, or the kids come running wanting to read a book to me and I know that the impact that George had stretches farther then I figured it would. And I know we are going to be okay.

The other night my Mom forwarded my Grandma’s obituary to me. She wanted me to read it before sending it on to one of my Uncle’s and a cousin. I started crying just as I started reading it. I suppose that’s a normal reaction. It’s been just over a month and I think of her throughout the day every day. I used to call her when I did the dishes or cleaned up the house. I don’t like doing those tasks so usually called to visit and it would go faster. I’d call to ask how to cook something, what to use on a burn or cut or what to give my kids for a cold. I called for anything and everything - and I can’t do that anymore.

I haven’t gone so far as to pick up the phone and dial. Even if I did, no one would answer because my cousin who lived with her works all day. It’s strange to not be able to call. I still think oh I should call to visit, to ask, for her to remind me - and then a brief moment later realize that it isn’t possible anymore. Of course this is hard, it’s going to be hard for who knows how long.

She always ended a call or a visit by saying “okay I’ll be here” - and now she isn’t.

I’m not sure if it is because we moved so many times this year, because Chris isn’t here or if I’m in denial - but I have nothing for the holidays planned. Do you? I have friends who started their Christmas shopping already, meanwhile I don’t even have a list written. That’s not like me since I like to be organized especially since I have to mail gifts to my family. I’m thinking I’ll do family gifts for my brothers again but have no idea for anyone else. I wrote a list over the weekend of who I wanted to give gifts to, but didn’t get farther then names.

My kids do have an idea of what they want to be for Halloween but that’s all the holiday stuff we know. We invited a friend for Thanksgiving but he is going to be out of the country at the time. My Mom is planning on visiting in December/January but we haven’t made definite plans yet.

You can see why I’d be “blah” right now about the holidays.

My friend Cara is the Household Helper and she put together a Holiday Countdown - check it out and sign up, it’s free! She provides a weekly email that includes shopping and decorating tips, snack ideas and party planning tips. I’m signing up in the hopes that it will kick some holiday spirit in me! I need it.

We’ve been in Texas since the fourth of July, and I have yet to feel comfortable cooking in my own house! It has a lot to do with the space, the kitchen is small - it’s not much larger then the one my Mom had at her two bedroom condo. It feels like you run into anyone else in there with you and the dishwasher has to be closed before you can open a cupboard. When you get to have a large kitchen, moving to a smaller one probably takes a while to get used to cooking in.

my old kitchen - to the right is the sink/dishwasher

Chris eats at work a lot of the time, every day when he is there for sure and usually all three meals of the day. That’s also been hard for me because he eats *alot* of food and since he doesn’t eat at home, we are left with a lot of leftovers! I’m not used to that at all. I’d rather just have things we can snack on and grab something quick and easy for dinner. We all eat fairly healthy and rarely have junk food around - it’s just a matter of figuring out what to have. Last night we had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with veggies we ate either plain or with ranch. It was filling and good and I didn’t slave away at the stove for an hour.

Tiffany at Nature Moms just put out a Raw Kids Recipes book that includes recipes for No Cook Pizza, Fruit Leathers, Coconut Macaroon Cookies, Carrot-Jicama Nori Rolls, Key Lime Candy Bars, Creamy Celery Soup and Chickpea Crunchies. No cook pizza? Sold! And the key lime candy bars sound yummy! I love key lime.

I’m going to grab her recipe book and try out a few recipes. Not cooking is very appealing to me since right now Chris is gone for work, since it’s hot outside, since I don’t like the kitchen. Many reasons I know. I also think the kids could help with a lot of preparing a raw recipe - they often help with cooking anyway and this seems like it would be easier for them. Check out her book and let me know what your favorite recipe is.

I’ve written before about thinking about my life and where I’m going. And I’m back to thinking about it again. It’s been a month since my Grandma passed away and in a few days it’ll be a year since our son has. I’m thinking mostly about babies really. Plus my sister in law is due anytime in the next few weeks so I’m wondering when that baby will get here too!

Gang of kids - nephews and my own

I’m on course with school (in that I’ve contacted someone and need to get moving with figuring out what I need to do) and I’m on course with homeschooling (we’ve been going for a few weeks so far and it really is going so great). I could be doing better around the house but can’t everyone? I still haven’t gotten used to the small kitchen and know I need to because not only was our last house way too big but any house we’ll live in from now on will more then likely be around the size. So time to downsize or get super awesome at organizing! Probably a little bit of both.

I found a new way to make lists so of course the office supply geek in me was thrilled! I found todoodlist over the weekend and have written a few lists based off of it and am going to teach my kids how to use it. They are both list makers already (which makes me so happy!) - they usually write out a list of what we will do for the day, sometimes it includes the basics like getting dressed and breakfast and other times it’s what we are going to do when we leave the house. I think using this new method of writing a list will be fun for them.

It’s well know that I’m a list maker, are you?

And I always go back to thinking about babies. My feeling of my family being complete was so definite the second Jake was born. And I don’t have that anymore. I don’t know what will make me feel that way again but I’ve been desperately searching for it. I feel like I need to decide now, for a few reasons, and really just can’t. I almost just want someone to tell me what to do and their reasoning behind it. I’ve been trying this on my own - saying yes and why and then saying no and why. But I still don’t have that definite feeling I once did.

How did you decide how many kids you have?

We are on our second week of homeschooling! We are having a lot of fun though there have been rough patches here and there. We got off to a late start since my Grandma passed away and we were out of state during that time, I took workbooks with us but of course we didn’t work on any of it.

Blurry bookcase (wow my camera phone isn’t that great!)

Texas doesn’t have a rule of how many days you should teach but I try to follow the typical school year, at least as far as starting and stopping. Somedays I document what we do on the weekends or over the typical school year holiday break, and sometimes we take a break too.

Since we are still unpacking a bit I’m not surprised to find more workbooks or study guides as I open new boxes. Well it’s a good thing I am still unpacking the boxes rather then letting them sit in the garage because we have way more then I thought we did! Jake is set for kindergarten and first grade that’s for sure, and Alice may need some new items in a few months time. But for now, we have more then a three shelf bookcase packed full of books. I’m only talking the workbooks and study guides or curriculum. The regular books we read are in our bookcase. I set up a homeschool area in the dining room just so it would be all in one specific spot. There is a three shelf bookcase and the desk, though most of the time we sit at the table.

I’m keeping a notebook with quick notes about what we are doing and I save everything. I need to figure out a better system because saving everything isn’t the smartest idea since we move a lot! I’m going to end up with tons of paperwork and projects that we bring from place to place!

Do you homeschool? How is your space set up?