I bought a new journal yesterday. I have thoughts rushing around my head, sometimes jumbled, sometimes not. I’ve kept a journal for years, I still have the one from fourth or fifth grade where I complained about my brother and the fact that he liked Guns N Roses (who I would grow to love after a while). I look at my writing and want it to be better – not my journaling, journaling to me is just my story. It’s just me reading it so the fear of being criticized or someone asking questions isn’t there. I remember the time I found a boys name written on the back of one notebook I used as a journal – my heart beat sped up and I wondered if he read it and if he did would he tell anyone. After a bit I relaxed, never asked him about it and moved on.
I have journals that have just a few pages filled out, journals that I started to keep track of a vacation we took or with the intention of writing in it regularly. Obviously those plans never panned out.
Chris has been gone for a couple of months now and we have sort of kind of regular communication via email. But email doesn’t always help because he’s pressed for time. The time difference doesn’t help either! I’ve been doing fairly okay with him gone, I don’t think about how long he’s going to be gone, we aren’t doing a countdown or anything like that. The kids aren’t stressed about him being gone which I am so very happy about. Kids don’t really have a sense of time though. Once they start school (yep, they are going to public school this fall! I’m still nervous about it!) the topic may come up more often, but we’ll wait and see. It helps that we are right with family.
And so my new journal already has been broken in. I’d like to say I’ll write in it every day. But maybe I won’t. And maybe it won’t be journaling but I’ll actually be able to get back to writing. I’m reminded of my love for writing by being where I am now. Hopefully, that will come back.