It’s been a year since George passed away. I held hope for the last few weeks of his life, hope that the doctors were wrong and he would be okay. Hope that every Mother has inside of her when something is wrong with their child. But he knew he wasn’t joining our family. I know that because every time I felt overwhelmed and felt really sad and really stressed and worried and anything that was too much for me, he moved around. He kicked and wiggled. His way of saying hey I’m still here, right now I’m here.

My Mom came to be with us for a week and she got to the house really late, I think midnight. She slept with me and while we talked about what could happen, what might happen, he was kicking the whole time. It was so much to handle. Going to the hospital the next day with her and having them tell me he was gone took a weight off of me. The sadness was overbearing and weighing me down, the anxiousness of what the doctors were going to tell me. I’ve always been an anxious person - I threw up the first day of middle school because I was so nervous. I always got a stomach ache when I was nervous, anxious or overwhelmed, I still do. I felt sick before we went into the doctors office - and walking out I felt okay.

Okay in the sense that I knew what happened. My son was gone but I know he didn’t suffer. And he made sure that while I, and Chris, would be overwhelmingly sad - we would be okay. He waited until my Mom showed up to leave us knowing we would need someone with us so that we could be okay.

And so it’s been a year. A year of moving three times, living with family members, spending a huge amount of time with my brothers, my nephews, my nieces, my Dad, my Grandma. A year of missing Chris because we had to be apart in order for him to get farther in his career. A year in which my Grandma passed away too.

I think about George daily. I think about how excited Alice and Jake were after telling them we were having another baby, about how old he would be now. I think about how many people knew he was coming and how they too are sad.

We buried George next to my Grandpa and Great Grandpa. We had a very small family service last December, attended by my parents, one of my brothers and his kids, my best friend, an Aunt and Uncle, my niece, and a few family friends. We had traditional prayers said and sang for him by long time family friends and we buried him.

We haven’t got him a headstone yet. My Mom thought of making him one, kind of how you make a garden stone, and including rocks that family members carry with them for a time. She grabbed a few rocks from my Grandma’s gravesite for us. Chris doesn’t like the idea though, because concrete doesn’t last forever and he wants something that will. Late next summer my family will get a headstone for my Grandma, so I figure by then we can figure out what we are going to do. A headstone feels so definite though. At my Grandma’s funeral one of my Mom’s oldest friends said she hadn’t got her husbands headstone yet because that is the last thing she has to do, and then that’s it, and she isn’t ready.

I think I am. But by saying I think, maybe I’m not. George changed my life, my thinking, my love for the people around me. I wanted to be closed in, to ignore everyone and just be by myself. I didn’t want to be happy, but I didn’t want to be sad all the time. I just wanted to be. I tried changing Chris’ career - the few people who I talked to said they understood, but I’m not sure you can unless you have such a sad event in your life. I wanted to close in and be alone - and luckily for me, no one really let me.

Especially with my Grandma gone now, now I want to open my arms and have my family magically close and have everyone call each other regularly and keep up with the gossip and share the news. That magic doesn’t just happen - and I have days when I try to force it and days where I just leave it alone. And days when I am really sad, and then I talk to my Mom, or Chris, or the kids come running wanting to read a book to me and I know that the impact that George had stretches farther then I figured it would. And I know we are going to be okay.

The other night my Mom forwarded my Grandma’s obituary to me. She wanted me to read it before sending it on to one of my Uncle’s and a cousin. I started crying just as I started reading it. I suppose that’s a normal reaction. It’s been just over a month and I think of her throughout the day every day. I used to call her when I did the dishes or cleaned up the house. I don’t like doing those tasks so usually called to visit and it would go faster. I’d call to ask how to cook something, what to use on a burn or cut or what to give my kids for a cold. I called for anything and everything - and I can’t do that anymore.

I haven’t gone so far as to pick up the phone and dial. Even if I did, no one would answer because my cousin who lived with her works all day. It’s strange to not be able to call. I still think oh I should call to visit, to ask, for her to remind me - and then a brief moment later realize that it isn’t possible anymore. Of course this is hard, it’s going to be hard for who knows how long.

She always ended a call or a visit by saying “okay I’ll be here” - and now she isn’t.

I’ve written before about thinking about my life and where I’m going. And I’m back to thinking about it again. It’s been a month since my Grandma passed away and in a few days it’ll be a year since our son has. I’m thinking mostly about babies really. Plus my sister in law is due anytime in the next few weeks so I’m wondering when that baby will get here too!

Gang of kids - nephews and my own

I’m on course with school (in that I’ve contacted someone and need to get moving with figuring out what I need to do) and I’m on course with homeschooling (we’ve been going for a few weeks so far and it really is going so great). I could be doing better around the house but can’t everyone? I still haven’t gotten used to the small kitchen and know I need to because not only was our last house way too big but any house we’ll live in from now on will more then likely be around the size. So time to downsize or get super awesome at organizing! Probably a little bit of both.

I found a new way to make lists so of course the office supply geek in me was thrilled! I found todoodlist over the weekend and have written a few lists based off of it and am going to teach my kids how to use it. They are both list makers already (which makes me so happy!) - they usually write out a list of what we will do for the day, sometimes it includes the basics like getting dressed and breakfast and other times it’s what we are going to do when we leave the house. I think using this new method of writing a list will be fun for them.

It’s well know that I’m a list maker, are you?

And I always go back to thinking about babies. My feeling of my family being complete was so definite the second Jake was born. And I don’t have that anymore. I don’t know what will make me feel that way again but I’ve been desperately searching for it. I feel like I need to decide now, for a few reasons, and really just can’t. I almost just want someone to tell me what to do and their reasoning behind it. I’ve been trying this on my own - saying yes and why and then saying no and why. But I still don’t have that definite feeling I once did.

How did you decide how many kids you have?

I’m lucky to have more then one place to call home. I’ll always think of South Dakota as home, and then of course wherever we end up living as our own family. I went home about a week and a half ago because my Grandma passed away. She went into the hospital on a Monday and then Friday she passed away. My Mom, one Uncle, a cousin and his family, an old family friend and others were with her. She went quickly, with no pain, and in a way that had many people saying when it is their time, they hope to go like that.

Driving back to Texas was hard because I always call her and say okay we are in this town or we are this far or we are home now. Then she would tell the rest of my family. When we got home I text messaged at least eight people - Mom, a couple of uncles, a couple of cousins, and a friend. Just one small thing that is different in my life now.

Driving across the Plains calms me. We left on a Friday in the early afternoon but didn’t get out of Texas until Saturday morning. It sounds funny to some people but going through Kansas and Nebraska goes quickly. Kansas is flat and there are small towns often and even gas stations in the middle of nowhere. Nebraska is slightly hilly, with sandhills leading way to a forest.

It’s once I get into Nebraska that the calm starts. Hard to describe, it’s a feeling that you have to experience. Maybe it happens when you drive to the ocean or the mountains, and I wonder if it will happen the next time to go to South Dakota with my Grandma now gone.

The air smells different there, the rain brings out another smell, even water on dirt, concrete or grass can create that smell - like watering your grass or when a firetruck lays water down on dirt so the rain doesn’t toss so much of it up, and South Dakota has strong wind so it helps. The air smells different and driving home to Texas earlier this week I drove most of the way with the window down, wind blowing into the car and all the scents of the Plains with it.

My Grandma is sick. She’s been on dialysis for the past four plus years and usually does pretty good. She has asthma that doesn’t act up too often and does a great job with her diet to control her diabetes and to do well on dialysis. Over the weekend she started getting sick, or something was going on. She went to dialysis Monday morning and had a fast heart rate and was having a hard time getting a good breath. The ER dr didn’t waste any time and flew her to a larger hospital. I heard from my Mom that morning and then talked to one of my Uncles that evening.

After feeling reassured that she was doing okay I talked to my Mom tonight. She is leaving from where she lives to go see my Grandma and said she’ll let me know if I need to come home - but right now it doesn’t look good. Grandma is very frail and tired and though they thought she had fluid on her lungs, it may be something else.

My Grandma is 85 years old and she’s a tough lady. My Grandpa has been gone for 20 years and of course everyone dies, but for some reason I never really, really thought about my Grandma doing so. I was lucky to live next door to her for 20 years, only until I went to college did I move. I talk to her weekly and sometimes more then that. When I talked to her yesterday she sounded tired but that’s normal - you can’t really rest while in a hospital, plus she doesn’t feel good, and lots of family is up there to see her.

If you pray, please do so for her. This is a woman who had six children, one dying when he was a baby, who raised five kids who had thirteen kids who had thirty-something kids - and even those have had I think three. Please pray for her to be comfortable, for her to be able to get rest, for her to get better and if this is her time, for her to go peacefully. I know she’s had a great life and though I’m not ready to talk about her in the past tense, my family is also not one to wish for her to remain on machines or anything like that.

Almost forgot about the ending of Alice’s BIrthday! After the aquarium we grabbed food and came home to watch a movie. The plan was to watch Beauty and the Beast while she was wearing her Belle dress. I don’t remember where we got it but it was from a friend I think. She has a few dress up clothes and included were a couple of the princess dresses. The Belle one is a little bit big on here but she loves to wear it. So dinner and dress up it was! After starting the movie she and Jake laid on the floor on pillows and covered up - and almost fell asleep. We had a long day so it’s understandable they were tired.

I love her quirkiness.

She laid out her plan of what we would do that day and we did it all. No cake and no unwrapping of presents and her day was “the best” - does that rock or what!

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. I managed to stay offline for most of it - that felt good. I do have my new BlackBerry so I wasn’t completely disconnected! I had a really good day.

The highlight wasn’t crafting, it wasn’t reading or going somewhere. The highlight was my nap. For some reason in the middle of the afternoon I was exhausted. All the kids were laying down so I did too. I figure hey a twenty minute nap might be good! Two hours later I wake up to find all the kids woke up before me. I bundled them into the car and we went to get dinner supplies. Okay really we went to get cake mix because I wanted cupcakes. Once we got to the store I decided to make chili. Yum!

So I could show you that I shopped for cake mix

and then a picture of the yummy cupcake!

But that would be kind of mean wouldn’t it.

I still have a lot left if you want to stop by. I was going to make 30 but only ended up with 28. I could have made 29, but I don’t think 30. Ah well. We didn’t have candles though the kids wanted to get numbers.

My brother got me a bluetooth headset - he said he doesn’t want me having to grab the phone when I’m on the drive to Texas (a post about Texas soon) -

and I won AirDrives kids earphones from A Mom’s Review contest - and they arrived yesterday! Fun timing.

My Mom sent me a beautiful horse pin

and a book This Life She’s Chosen - signed by the author!

My Dad is looking for a phone cradle - never having heard of what that is, my brother explained it is a holder for your phone that (his did this anyway) attached to the vent. So it just sits there while you drive! Very cool.

Both of my brothers have this weekend off so I think we will have a cookout. The weather has been nice here, sure we have some rain, but overall good.

I’ve been lucky, I’ve always had great birthdays. Today I am 30 and a day (technically not until the middle of the afternoon) and it is just as good as yesterday.